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Men hate change, it’s not in their nature to embrace it and in most cases, it’s resisted as much as possible. The second the pen is out of place, or someone moves the couch an inch to the left, we go on high alert. Ape-shit, bat-guano insane, howling at the moon lunacy if our kids went and fudged up the thermostat.
The wallpaper industry is a way to bypass the psychological shock of swapping paint and gumming up your walls on a regular basis. It lasts a long time and if taken care of properly, can last a very long time.
So you’ve decided to finally hide the grease stains and cheese smudges your last pizza party left behind. Those dark spots of marinara sauce are starting to draw attention; suspicious minds wondering whether your last name is Gambino.
Yup, it's time to clean up your pigsty, tidy up your shack and give it a “Rio De Janeiro” nose-job. In other words, a complete overhaul with a facelift, a tummy tuck, and whatever else it takes to make the man cave as good looking as possible.
First things first, the wallpaper. You could paint, you could wash, but you are searching for something that adds a bit of magic to your Man Cave. We’re here to help.
Measure once, measure twice, measure three times and then get a professional to crack out his measuring tape… We don't trust you. The key to finding out how many rolls you need (and yes, wallpaper comes in rolls. Packed together square feet or meters) is to find out the heights and width of that wall in your Man Cave you want to plaster over. Once you got that figured out, add a smidgen more for waste and casts offs.
Yup, no matter who you are, even if you're a Shaolin plasterer - master of hidden monk wisdom concerning wallpaper - you will have to toss quite a bit of wallpaper into the trash bin. The normal estimate of cast-offs the industry works with is between 15-18%, so tack on 20% more on your order just to be sure.
That's a tricky question, a savvy one that speaks volumes on your cerebral cogitation, but ends up putting us on the spot. Technically, wallpaper should be made out of paper… or, more to the point, vinyl. Still, nowadays, that stuff is manufactured out of almost anything: silk, velvet, aluminum foil, copper jibber jabber. Absolutely anything.
In most cases, these faux wallpapers are simply smashed together into an all-encompassing category known as “covering.” Some are easier to clean, while others are a pain in the ass on that account.
Vinyl is the heavy duty, mess that is highly valued on account of its flexibility, price tag and cleaning.
Patterns, my friends, are the essence of a good wallpaper. Some patterns are so intricate that they make getting high on LSD completely redundant. If you're on the lookout for a wallpaper that makes you feel like you're watching Avatar, then toss away your 3D glasses cause you are shit out of luck. A good pattern, one that's crafted and lovingly installed, can often times give off a sort of optical illusion, but it is never true HD 3D.
When it comes to wallpapers, men normally get dreadful flashbacks of Three Stooges skids; paste everywhere, tar and feathered by rolls of film, or foreskin glued to a wall… Flies and mosquitos looking at us and exclaiming:
“What a bunch of idiots!”
Nowadays, there are 3 types of wallpapers, the last of this trio is reserved exclusively for the masochist handyman with a death wish. Their names are self-explanatory.
● Self-adhesive: simply peel and stick to a wall, like a giant sticker.
● Pre-pasted: same as above only with a manufactured activator that will go Spider-Man clinging with a bit of water.
● Dryback: non-pasted wallpaper for those crafty bastards that forget they are in the 21st century.
Almost anywhere! It's not exactly weatherproof and your bathroom might beat it six shades of black, but wallpaper can actually be tacked on to anything.
Take heed that certain wallpapers have a problem with walls and frames riddled with imperfections. In such cases, dump the usual veneer of vinyl and go for a heavy duty embossed wallpaper.
In this day and age, most wallpapers are just as straightforward and foolproof as your kid’s sticker collection. Still, since air bubbles are the sort of thing that will nag at you till you die, plaguing your nightmares, we at Man Cave Mastery would recommend any sort or smoothing tool or spatula; you can usually find them at your local store for less than 4 dollars.
The one thing all men lack… Patience. If you tackle wallpaper, like you did your prom date, then you are just going to screw it up! Foreplay, preparation, breathing exercises, otherwise, in your rush to finish and see the glory of your work, you’ll blow your wad early.
This is the sort of wallpaper Kanye West or Jay-Z has plastered all over their bedrooms… Only in their case, it's probably the real 24 karat deal.
For all those nights when you feel you were screwed out of an epic anecdote; Woodstock a massive orgy you were not in town for.
For that hour where you envy your kid’s room; the ankle muncher has far too much leeway with his mother.
“You are a grown man…”
“Bull, he has Captain America… I want that… Ahhhh”
Cause one thing is always true, here, in Hell, in Heaven, in another dimension… Be yourself, unless you can be Batman.” There's a reason why every Halloween God dresses up like the Dark Knight.
Because your samurai honor demands it! Get it, or just continue to practice your nun-chucks.
Let's be honest, it's cheaper than real wood and looks pretty good. Sure, the texture isn't there....but it's wallpaper.
You live in a landlocked, winter seems to last forever, zip-code and your adorable wife just maxed out the credit cards on a Black Friday frenzy. Buddy, embrace the fantasy; this is the closest you're going to come to Key West this year.
Payback for that time your parents accidentally left your comic collection in the Garage during a yearly sale.
This wallpaper should include a bottle of Merlot, a raven-haired model with a skimpy LBD and an interactive copy of the Kama Sutra.
Gifting you with the Tuscan feel of an Italian Bistro from “The Godfather.”
Who says you need acid to travel to the fifth dimension? Plus, it looks swanky.
For that Game Of Throne feel. Lord of your own medieval castle.
Tin foil on the wall......seriously. Usually we wouldn't recommend it, but this makes it look damn good.
The sort of wallpaper that guy from “A Beautiful Mind” or Matt Damon from “Good Will Hunting” were in the market for.
So starts a new day in your Man Cave. A new epoch of change and transformation. A new eon of staring at Batman, or that Playboy centerfold that was the protagonist of so many wet-dreams.
Sit back, relax and enjoy your new wallpaper, bask in the glory that is your newly renovated Man Cave… That is, unless you screwed the pooch and left a couple of nasty air-bubbles to haunt your every living hour. If that’s the case, then by all means, go fetch a few sticks of dynamite; it’s the only way to get rid of those bastards!
