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Best Man Cave Floor Lamps
By Jack Hansen | Lighting
Here at Man Cave Mastery we are equal opportunity lounge lizards. As long as it has a pulse, an open mind, loose morals, and the barest genetic connection to Megan Fox we’re willing to give it a toss on the old sheets.
We apply that very outlook to Floor Lamps. If it receives electricity, then by all means, come light up our man cave.
Tall and lanky; frumpy and toadish; freaky and nasty; we’ll try them all! Flick them on, play with their shades, toggle their switches, even go down on them and check below the base. If it illuminates then we will investigate.
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“But,” you splutter while sweeping below the sofa a mountain of burned DVDs you only saw once, and quite possibly only past the opening credits, “why a floor lamp? Why not a table lamp? Or a wall lamp?”
Do you have a table? Is it near an outlet? Is it habitable? Let's leave the table be. Leave it to its primary function. A placeholder to hide the vomit stain on the floor, and the perfect secret vault space for that abnormally large “water pipe” you brought back from your Jamaican trip.
As far as wall lamps are concern, your best bet is to stay away. You need a trained electrician to hook those puppies up, and quite frankly you are neither of those things.
A floor lamp is simply. That's the cord. That's the hole in the wall. Whammo, that's magic!
Let's double dip! Hangover part 2; same plot, same jokes, half the entertainment value. In another blog post we discussed the best man cave Table Lamp. Well, we'll be honest, we sort of blew our journalistic wad on that article.
There's just so much you can say about a lamp. But let's examine those same characteristics for floor lamps.
How big do you want the lamp to be? Some of them are just a single bulb, but some of them have spider-like characteristics.
The style of your lamp says a lot about you and your man cave. Want something that looks like a classy sexy mermaid? Done! To be honest, your lamp of choice is likely only limited by your imagination.
Most lamps come with a detachable shade. The materials may vary and colors too. The darker the hue the less light you’ll get from the lamp.
Really check up the output of the lamp before settling in on a model. Sometimes you may be looking at getting a lamp that has a very low output, therefore a low level of light in your man cave and that's no good.
Now, that nasty little add-on... Material. Floor Lamps, unlike their dwarfish cousins, can be build from just about anything. If it figures in the Periodical Table of Elements then it has, somewhere along the time-stream, been constructed into a floor lamp. Hell, even Godzilla has a cute cozy model - up in Monster Island - made out of depleted uranium.
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This is the shaken not stirred Floor lamp. The sort of floor lamp Don Draper probably has in his bachelor pad. The man sipping on whiskey, smooth jazz in the foreground, a tight chick revolving around the room as high in the sky as a disco ball.
This is the sort of floor lamp that should include a Bouncer. A broad shoulder wall demanding that you spruce the hell up, cause there’s a “dress code.”
Five arm design, each extension can be focused towards one particular spot. Dimmer options, blends with the decor and has rotatable shades that that act as filters or shades.
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Did you dream, when you were little, of having a job shouting into a bullhorn and telling Silver Screen starlet to: “Disrobe! And action!”
Well, even if that wasn’t your dream, this extremely nice piece is the perfect decorative lamp to shine a spotlight on your BluRay collection. Aluminium and steel, chrome finish and simply beautiful. This is a perfect replica of those models hipsters are so fond of plucking out off movie studios, and selling on Ebay for 12 hundred bucks.
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This is a premium (and pricey) piece, but, it’s not everyday you get a pair of tits included on your floor lamp. This piece isn’t just a floor lamp, it’s a piece of art. Absolutely breathtaking and divine. This is the sort of lamp that will draw jealous glances from your spouse and put you in the awkward position of having to answer such questions as:
“You can bounce a quarter off those ribs. Do you wish my belly was like that?”
If, you swing for the other side, then kudos to you! And, since we are pro all sexualities – accepts monks and celibates (that’s just wrong) – there is also the Prometheus Model; sculpted while staring hungrily at the chiseled abs of Thor.
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Does your Man Cave feel envious of your coat closet? Is it so small that mice peek inside and run for the hill? Do Chinese Illegal Immigrants gaze upon it and marvel at what you’ve accomplished with so little space? Do you need an advance degree in TETRIS just to fit through the door? Then do we have the best lamp for you!
The perfect light fixture, not only will it illuminate your dingy tiny box, but it will also serve – with a bit of imagination – as desk, dinner table, bookshelf and furniture to place your testicles on after your wife returns them (seeing as you couldn’t wrangle yourself a bigger room.)
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He of the sulfur and hoofed feet has been known to glare upon this floor lamp and nod in satanic approval. If you truly want your Man Cave to say neanderthal, than what better way than this little number no doubt ripped straight from the set of Conan.
You’ll be the only one, aside from the Goth kids down the road, that has this model in your whole community.
For the price, for the value and quite possibly because the skull lamp no doubt has the soul of a serial killer trapped within its wiring, we recommend buying the James Bond model. It’s sleek, it’s shiny, it’s has 5 things for the price of one, and, best of all, it’s made in the good old USA!
P.S.: take a seat and wait a bit, there are rumors that the Ariel model is going to be customizable. Read between the letters: blond, brunette or redhead. So wait until that period where Amazon adds a choose your Cup Size button. Meanwhile, splurge on the James Bond model and binge watch Mad Men knowing you’ve made Don proud.
