At Man Cave Mastery we pride ourselves in the knowledge that we are gurus in one of the most dynamic and necessary fields of masculine health. Einstein could crack the mysteries of the universe, but he wasn’t an essential component in maintaining a balanced manly ecosystem. We’re the last line of defense, the man’s man, without us, without our wisdom half the race would simply stare at the other half and say:

“That’s it! This is too freaking much! Bob, Jerry, I’m going to go take up knitting!”

Without us, without our help in maintaining your Fortress of Solitude, by the year 2050, humanity would become extinct.  You’re welcome. 

And today’s post?  Today is all about cooling down that man cave with the right ceiling fan.

Man Cave Ceiling Fan Q&A’s

You went and screwed the pooch, quite literally… 9 months ago, Halloween came around and your dear old lady entered the living room wearing nothing more than a dog collar, a pair of polka dot leggings and two floppy ears. By the time the Tequila came out, both were howling at the moon, doggy style had become repetitious, and somebody forgot the importance of a prophylactic. One month later….

“Honey, I have such wonderful news…” Cue the dramatic piano solo and the Psycho soundtrack.

By the third month, the Tit Fairy has come to town, you realize that, perhaps, there’s ray of sunshine to this executioner’s song. You start to imagine yourself as a daddy, as a parent, then, just as you’re getting keyed up… The sixth month falls on you like a house of brick. In comes the hormone Gremlin, and this one has already been fed past midnight. Your cute little bride suddenly transforms into a terrorist state all by her lonesome self.

“Hank, why is your wife tossing bowling balls at the garden gnomes?”

Sooner or later, during these trying days, you are going to forget the magic placebo – the only medicine that will calm the gremlin down – Ice Cream. When that eventually occurs, when she turns to you, her face morphing into a vision that would make the Devil jump for the nearest foxhole, when her nose flares up and you can practically feel her breath turn toxic – when she becomes WIFEZILLA – you are going to need someplace to barricade yourself in.

A fortress with just the right cooling apparatus to place your nuts underneath; fan those puppies.  But here’s the BIG problem, when she goes postal, the first victims of her wrath will be your most precious jewels.

“That!” Accusatory finger pointed like a danger at your happy place. “It’s all its fault! Ahhhh!”

You need a fan, it’s a medical necessity. Like alcohol, and porn magazines, the Surgeon General practically demands that every Man Cave must have a fan.  It’ll cool you down on those hot days and keep you calm with a constant noise on those hectic days.  But what do you need to consider when buying a fan?  What matters?  The questions and answers below will help.

What size should the fan be?

You want a fan, not an airplane propeller. Take into account the room type and size. This will dictate your dimensions, range, and blade span. The last thing you want is a front row seat in a Slasher Film every time one of your friends stands up.

How tall is your man cave?

You simply don’t install a ceiling fan. Going in blind is like going to Mordor for a vacation. “Pamphlet says it has nice vistas…” You have to make a few calculations before stapling that sucker on the ceiling. In order to efficiently circulate air, a ceiling fan has to be suspended between 8 to 9 feet from the floor.  So, unfortunately, you’re going to have to man up and dust off your toolkit.

How many blades should the fan have?

picking the sort of blades a ceiling fan should have is akin to orchestrating a proper orgy; both abide by the same rule… “The more the merrier and the bigger the better.”

What style of fan do I want?

Consider your Man Cave’s overall design. The last thing you want is an old lady, grandma type fan, next to your vintage copy of Superman comics and your Han Solo in Carbonite decal.

Should I get a ceiling fan with lights?

It’s simple, do you want a fan that also has lights or just the swirling blades?  What type of fan do I want?

There are 3 types of fans. Like everything in this world, market trade, and those savvy Chinese, have made a complex industry out of sticking a blender on our ceiling. No longer is it simply a case of choosing a fan, getting some glue and hoping that the sucker won’t fall, now we have to do some investigation beforehand.

• Low-Profile: this type of fan hugs the ceiling and is your best choice if you have to crouch in order to get into your Harry Potter type closet.

• Energy Star: the hippie ceiling fan. 20% to 50% more efficient and almost no environmental impact.

• Damp or Wet: if you life in a swamp, or simply a humid area, you’ll likely want to consider a fan that’s willing to take the heat.

What accessories do I want with the fan?

Fans are like strippers, they just love to hang things from their pointy bits. A few add-ons that are making the round in the fan aisles are not only decorative (pull chains, LED lights, stickers, etc), but practical (reversible blades, downrod – in case you want to hang your fan like an upside down stripper pole – remote controls).

Pro tip:

Do the following; go to your local Home Depot, pick out the closest tool lackey, show them a picture of your room, asks them a million questions, follow their advice and pick up the fan they recommend. Now, and here’s the clincher, the second they stroll down the aisle and leave your sight, dump their fan and buy the same model online for half the price.

Or follow our directions, and trust that we’ve already hassled half the employees in our area. We’ve done the groundwork for you.