Best Man Cave Ceiling Fans

By Mr. Man Cave | Lighting

Man cave ceiling fans

At Man Cave Mastery we pride ourselves in the knowledge that we are gurus in one of the most dynamic and necessary fields of masculine health. Einstein could crack the mysteries of the universe, but he wasn’t an essential component in maintaining a balanced manly ecosystem. We’re the last line of defense, the man’s man, without us, without our wisdom half the race would simply stare at the other half and say:

“That’s it! This is too freaking much! Bob, Jerry, I’m going to go take up knitting!”

Without us, without our help in maintaining your Fortress of Solitude, by the year 2050, humanity would become extinct.  You’re welcome. 

And today’s post?  Today is all about cooling down that man cave with the right ceiling fan.

Man Cave Ceiling Fan Q&A’s

You went and screwed the pooch, quite literally… 9 months ago, Halloween came around and your dear old lady entered the living room wearing nothing more than a dog collar, a pair of polka dot leggings and two floppy ears. By the time the Tequila came out, both were howling at the moon, doggy style had become repetitious, and somebody forgot the importance of a prophylactic. One month later….

“Honey, I have such wonderful news…” Cue the dramatic piano solo and the Psycho soundtrack.

By the third month, the Tit Fairy has come to town, you realize that, perhaps, there’s ray of sunshine to this executioner’s song. You start to imagine yourself as a daddy, as a parent, then, just as you’re getting keyed up… The sixth month falls on you like a house of brick. In comes the hormone Gremlin, and this one has already been fed past midnight. Your cute little bride suddenly transforms into a terrorist state all by her lonesome self.

“Hank, why is your wife tossing bowling balls at the garden gnomes?”

Sooner or later, during these trying days, you are going to forget the magic placebo – the only medicine that will calm the gremlin down – Ice Cream. When that eventually occurs, when she turns to you, her face morphing into a vision that would make the Devil jump for the nearest foxhole, when her nose flares up and you can practically feel her breath turn toxic – when she becomes WIFEZILLA – you are going to need someplace to barricade yourself in.

A fortress with just the right cooling apparatus to place your nuts underneath; fan those puppies.  But here’s the BIG problem, when she goes postal, the first victims of her wrath will be your most precious jewels.

“That!” Accusatory finger pointed like a danger at your happy place. “It’s all its fault! Ahhhh!”

You need a fan, it’s a medical necessity. Like alcohol, and porn magazines, the Surgeon General practically demands that every Man Cave must have a fan.  It’ll cool you down on those hot days and keep you calm with a constant noise on those hectic days.  But what do you need to consider when buying a fan?  What matters?  The questions and answers below will help.

What size should the fan be?

You want a fan, not an airplane propeller. Take into account the room type and size. This will dictate your dimensions, range, and blade span. The last thing you want is a front row seat in a Slasher Film every time one of your friends stands up.

How tall is your man cave?

You simply don’t install a ceiling fan. Going in blind is like going to Mordor for a vacation. “Pamphlet says it has nice vistas…” You have to make a few calculations before stapling that sucker on the ceiling. In order to efficiently circulate air, a ceiling fan has to be suspended between 8 to 9 feet from the floor.  So, unfortunately, you’re going to have to man up and dust off your toolkit.

How many blades should the fan have?

picking the sort of blades a ceiling fan should have is akin to orchestrating a proper orgy; both abide by the same rule… “The more the merrier and the bigger the better.”

What style of fan do I want?

Consider your Man Cave’s overall design. The last thing you want is an old lady, grandma type fan, next to your vintage copy of Superman comics and your Han Solo in Carbonite decal.

Should I get a ceiling fan with lights?

It’s simple, do you want a fan that also has lights or just the swirling blades?  What type of fan do I want?

There are 3 types of fans. Like everything in this world, market trade, and those savvy Chinese, have made a complex industry out of sticking a blender on our ceiling. No longer is it simply a case of choosing a fan, getting some glue and hoping that the sucker won’t fall, now we have to do some investigation beforehand.

  • Low-Profile: this type of fan hugs the ceiling and is your best choice if you have to crouch in order to get into your Harry Potter type closet.
  • Energy Star: the hippie ceiling fan. 20% to 50% more efficient and almost no environmental impact.
  • Damp or Wet: if you life in a swamp, or simply a humid area, you’ll likely want to consider a fan that’s willing to take the heat.

What accessories do I want with the fan?

Fans are like strippers, they just love to hang things from their pointy bits. A few add-ons that are making the round in the fan aisles are not only decorative (pull chains, LED lights, stickers, etc), but practical (reversible blades, downrod – in case you want to hang your fan like an upside down stripper pole – remote controls).

Pro tip:

Do the following; go to your local Home Depot, pick out the closest tool lackey, show them a picture of your room, asks them a million questions, follow their advice and pick up the fan they recommend. Now, and here’s the clincher, the second they stroll down the aisle and leave your sight, dump their fan and buy the same model online for half the price.

Or follow our directions, and trust that we’ve already hassled half the employees in our area. We’ve done the groundwork for you.

Best Man Cave Fridge Reviews

Hunter Fan Company 55042 Stockbridge 70-Inch Ceiling Fan with Five Walnut/Medium Oak Blades and Light Kit


Hunter Fan Company 55042 Stockbridge 70-Inch Ceiling Fan with Five Walnut/Medium Oak Blades and Light Kit

Quality

Price

Our Rating

You know you’re buying a manly product, a product for hombres when the company is called “Hunter” and the product “The Stockbridge”. This is a fan so full of testosterone that it came to your house with a dead deer over its shoulders, fired up the barbecue, screwed your daughter while you weren’t looking and later installed itself.

Walnut-Medium Oak (no doubt stained and varnished with the blood of cannibal pygmies); wobble-free performance and whisper sound dampeners (at night this puppy crawls out from your basement and fights crime like Batman); dust armor blade coating (even dirt is afraid to come near it.)

PROS

  • Powerful fan, very quiet
  • Two light fixtures
  • Lifetime warranty
  • Blade shields with dust armor
  • Easy installation

CONS

  • None!

Westinghouse 7214100 Harmony Two-Light 48-Inch Two-Blade Indoor Ceiling Fan


 Roll over image to zoom in  Product Energy Guide Westinghouse 7214100 Harmony Two-Light 48-Inch Two-Blade Indoor Ceiling Fa

Quality

Price

Our Rating

Off the train at the Wizarding School, and already the Sorting Hat went and sodomized you silly.

“Hufflepuff! I might as well put on a red-shirt and volunteer each time Captain Kirk wants to visit a new planet!”

Well, thankfully the Gods smiled down on you after that horrible fiasco. Once in the dorm rooms, you realize that old Dumbledore went and did the cannon fodders a solid; your place is chic, it’s Hugh Hefner chic. And, best of all, lo’ and behold, a ceiling fan that’s not only refined, contemporary, but MAGIC.

This beauty, created by those Muggles in Westinghouse – even Voldemort is willing to give them a pass – has a lifetime warranty motor with triple capacitors (don’t know if that’s good or bad, but more is certainly better); a brushed nickel finish; weathered maple plywood blades; and, finally, an integrated opal frosted light fixture.

PROS

  • Small
  • Has hanging chains
  • Four speeds
  • Lifetime warrantly on motor and two year on everything else
  • Energy saver

CONS

  • Only two blades
  • Light is dim
  • Sometimes clicking sound with new units during break-in period

Minka-Aire F524-ABD, Roto, 52 " Ceiling Fan


Minka-Aire F524-ABD, Roto, 52 " Ceiling Fan

Quality

Price

Our Rating

“What will it be honey? Some flapjacks? A pound of bacon? Homemade apple pie?”

This baby has fallen through a time loop, straight out of a 50’s dinner, and somehow made its way into Amazon’s most rated. Like that beloved period, where trans fat were a myth and cigarettes were medicine, where a man could harbor a crippling alcohol problem and simply shrug it off as a work hazard, where a secretary’s bum was pinched red and HR hadn’t been invented, where the Soviets had nukes pointed at us, in from that throwback age, this nugget of cool air found its way to our home steps. A no bullshit fan that simply tells it like it is.

PROS

  • Four fan looks (aluminum, bronze, white, koa)
  • Variable speed

CONS

  • No lights
  • No downrod
  • Only 3 blades
  • No remote control

Hunter Fan 54095 Caribbean Breeze 54-Inch Ceiling Fan


Hunter Fan Company 54095 Caribbean Breeze 54-Inch Ceiling Fan

Quality

Price

Our Rating

“So bring me two piña coladas. I want one for each hand. Let’s set sail with Captain Morgan. Oh and never leave dry land…”

It’s time to forget your troubles, bury them in the sand and bag yourself a willing señorita with a knack for practicing Urban Dictionary’s crudest sex-acts. While she’s explaining the virtues of a giving a “Supernova” while getting ready for a “Ballcuzy”, you’ll be fanning your cojones under this Caribbean masterpiece. Your left nut going: “so that’s what an Aussie Kiss is?”

While your right stares at the door and hopes the missus doesn’t decide to come home early from her vacation in Barbados. This antique beauty, also from those lads at Hunter, has been perfectly crafted to your wildest imaginations. Weathered bronze and leaflike blades with that keen Dust Free technology.

This is the FAN you need to wallow away in your Man Cave, a Margarita in one hand while a señorita called Margarita jackhammers up and down by your lap.

PROS

  • Vintage
  • Five blades
  • Whisper technology
  • Bronze look
  • Dust armor
  • Downrod included
  • Lifetime warranty on motor

CONS

  • No additional warranty

Fanimation FP7964BN Beckwith Fan with Opal Frosted Shade


Fanimation FP7964BN Beckwith Fan with Opal Frosted Shade

Quality

Price

Our Rating

Steampunk design, followed by a vain promise that it might generate a small tornado. This cool Retro fan seems plucked straight out of an Art-Deco movie; the pulp hero, The Shadow, duking it out with Soviet Assassins a block over. A simply awesome piece that’s more decorative than functional. A focused hurricane like precision; under it, you’ll need to hang tight otherwise it might blow you away… a foot or more in any direction and you’ll discover sweat stains appearing under your arms.

PROS

  • Four lights
  • Two finishes (nickel or bronze)
  • Includes downrod, wall mounts, and control.

CONS

  • Noisy
  • Tricky to install
  • Premium price

We at Man Cave know a secret about our gender… If it’s not green, filled with pus and developing a consciousness then there little to no hope that we will pick it up and toss it in the garbage. A mop? A broom? Soap? Bleach? These are terms and concepts that boggle the mind. The last time someone, our filthy cousin, tried to instill us with the virtues of AJAX we went postal; clubbed him over the head. “Burn the heretic,” we screamed while tying the detergent warlock up on a stake.

As such, we recommend the Hunter Fan Company 55042 Stockbridge 70-Inch Ceiling Fan model.  it’s truly the fan you’ve been looking for.