What does a leather recliner, a couch and a bar stool have in common? Once you discover a soothing seating soulmate, you'll reenact the most gruesome of Game Of Thrones scene in order to protect these loyal trio. Picking the perfect bar stool is a bare-knuckle affair, that if not approached with clear mind, will quickly have you mincing words with the folks at your local insane asylum.
A man’s bum will find no greater comfort than the perfect bar stool. If perfected, the right bar stool set will ultimately set an “hombre’s” life into perfect equilibrium. He’ll be able to manage and face whatever trials come his way, just as long as he has a place watch his T.V. and drink his brews.
When you're looking at potential bar stools, there's probably a lot of things running through your head to determine which one is right for you. This is a common issue, so we're here to solve it.
Bar stools are to chairs what a jetski is to life preserver; they will both accomplish the same thing once the Titanic goes belly up, just not in the same manner. Fitting your man cave with the proper Bar Stool is akin to going back in time and riding rings around poor Leo DiCaprio as he’s fighting off fresh icebergs.
It’s not an easy thing to do and one can get lost with all the choices, but you’ll know when you get the right ones.
It’s all a question of style over substance. Bar stools are what men get to spruce up their Fortress, chairs, on the other hand, is what your wive might get you as a Christmas gift because she thinks your macho-den needs a: “woman’s touch.”
Bar Stools reek of testosterone, adrenaline and cheap beer. You sit tall on a bar-stool, lording over your domain, while the peasants have to slouch back on their sissy chairs. On a bar stool you’re channeling your pub hoping ancestors, drinking in their soul, wisdom and spirit.
On a bar stool you’re once more claiming your dominance as Alpha Male of the neighborhood; only Beta’s like to sip their Miller on a chair.
Ultimately, why get a bar-stool? Because you have two cojones in your pants that demand it! It’s as simple as the manly alternative to a regular chair, and it’s also practical. You can’t slide a recliner under your bar when you’re not using it.
Aside from the fact that they are transportable. Aside from the fact that most weigh a portion of what that deviled furniture weighs. Aside from the fact that where one chair goes you can fit a score of bar-stools. The real advantage of a bar-stool is it’s ability to grant you a mock pub in your man cave; the sort of pub that would have Homer Simpson frothing at the mouth.
If it looks like a duck, acts like a duck, then it’s a duck.
In the words of Donald Trump during the debates… WRONG. It could very well be a swan, or an albatross. For all you know it could be, God- forbid - a Geese.
All bar stools are stools, yet not all stools are bar stools; wrap your head around that nugget of eastern philosophy! The trick? Rather simple…
The stool has to be, wait for it, wait for it, it will blow your mind… The stool has to be next to a … BAR. That’s the secret of the perfect bar stool. If there’s a decent chance of somebody losing consciousness on it, then- by God - you’ve got a bar stool.
Height: A very delicate topic. Not only will it make you take a long hard look in the mirror; “Am I Godzilla or a Leprechaun?” It will also have you dusting off the tape-measure and figuring out what sort of bar counter you’ve found yourself straddled with.
There are 3 different types of stool heights: short/table height (16”-23”); counter-height (24”-27”); bar height (28”-33”).
The fatty ratio: Let’s not dally around your emotions and try to ease you slowly into the truth. If you’ve partaken of a healthy doze of Kentucky Fried goodness, if the thought of dipping something in scalding butter seems like heaven to you, then there is a good chance that your thighs have a Cartman girth to them.
Between a counter-top and the seat of the stool, there should be a 9-12 inch gab; this is the standard measurement. Still, if you think you might be smuggling in a baby rhinos in your thighs or your pelvic region has a secluded kangaroo pouch overflowing with shit, then do take this into account.
Weight: Most stools are fairly light, the idea is for them to be transportable. Still, be wary of their weight. Certain materials, if used improperly, may very well end up costing you a trip to the chiropractor.
Cost: How much are you willing to blow your wad on? Remember, a stool does not come alone; it’s a knocked up puppy about to birth a litter. You can’t just buy one stool, you have to buy at the very least 3 or four. And, like all things in life, you can buy a pair at your local Dollar Store or you can splurge on some deco’ contraption made from endangered Amazonian redwood.
Style: Rustic, Vintage, Victorian, New-Age, Bauhaus, Vanguard, Classic… Like a Chinese menu with too many pages, and far too many characters, sometimes the best way to pick your meal is just looking at the pic’.
Material: Stools can be made out of anything. With the right kind of creative inclination an artist can worm out a stool from absolutely any material. Hippies can make stools out of recycled trash. Yuppies from papermache and 100 dollar bills. Hipsters from the very fabric of their ego. Serial Killers… Well, you get the idea; even a skinned leg-bone can do wonders.
The top five materials the big manufactures use in the assembly line are: metal, wood, leather, vinyl, fabric and polyurethane. For everything else, your best bet is to go off the beaten path and get yourself a Man to B.S translator; your linguistic skills, plus your patience, will surely be tested once you enter arts and craft world.
Function: Those crafty lads in the big corporation are always trying to rope us in. To give us a PLUS above their competition. A stool’s primary function is to act as your butt’s rest, everything else is just gravy. But, given how many stools flood the market, the big honchos are always in the kitchen cooking up some greasy salsa to entice us with.
The most common extra a stool has is the SWIVEL head. From there on, past the swivel, we can have adjustable heights with hydraulics, pockets on the side, USB charging docks, and, even, a seat warmer capability – good for the man who always gets a chill on his balls.
A proper stool is meant to do two things:
A. Compliment your man cave.
B. Keep you from laying on the floor like a bum.
And C - because we’re extremely bad at math – be a place to rest your ass.
The right bar stool will ultimately sparkle up your Fortress and make you sigh in despair every time you need to leave it.
Styles come and go. Retro is in today, out the very next. What’s hip right now will most likely be consider a flaming wad of toss in a few years. As such, for my money, I’ll implore you to seek out a classic if it fits your decor.
For its dough, a proper classic bar stool will end up giving you the sort of Pub Appeal that never grows old. Your tastes may change, but that comfy afterglow a proper bar imparts will never take a leave of absence.
There is a reason why, despite all the new establishments in the neighborhood, sooner or later we’ll always crawl back to our favorite watering hole. There’s a reason why Homer “He Of The Duff Wisdom” Simpson will always find himself - after 28 years on primetime T.V. - visiting Moe’s Tavern with his round derrière molding the leather to his ample cheeks.
A classic is the sort of stool you’ll never have to toss out when Facebook gets the bum’s rush and Snapchat is welcomed with open arms. It’s that timeless piece of furniture that your grandkids will fight over.
Because of this, we recommend that you get the Boraam Augusta Swivel Stool. Though it is a bit pricey, these are the types of bar stools that will last you for years to come. Plus, they’re sturyd and look damn good.
These bad boys tack off most of the boxes on the “you’ve made a right choice checklist” and give your testosterone filled room, that whiff of elegance and class the 90’s Baywatch Calendar, you tacked on near the bathroom.