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15 Holiday Gift Ideas For Guys
By Jack Hansen | Gift Ideas
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
The Carolers are caroling; the stockings are stocked; the eggnog nogged; the snowflakes, well, flaking.
It truly is that wonderful time of the year. Joy to the world, hip-hip-hurray, “when will this madness stop!”
Ehhh? A mad crowd of women stampedes by in a fever yuletide run. The holiday spirit, it seems, has gone and hijacked their sanity. All across the world, ladies are racking their brains, punching their cerebellums, desperately seeking an answer to an age-old question:
“What will I get my husband/boyfriend/significant other?”
Rejoice! Man Cave Mastery is the case; we have the chill pill you ladies need.
We, here at Man Cave Mastery, are toning down the locker room hogwash, lipping our lizard brain shut and, basically, trying to be upright citizens in front of the dames… At least for this article.
This is us, clamping down the dozens or so porn tabs on our computer… See, we are not all knuckle draggers, we can behave.
In the following piece of investigative reporting, we’ll look at the tough questions. We will dig deep into the masculine psyche in order to give womankind the skinny, the dope, the word on the street regarding what to get your love bunny this Christmas.
Are threesomes out of the question?
If your response is a bar no contest Yes!” A scandalous “how dare you!” And a determined “never in a million years,” Then you've stumbled into a goldmine of wisdom and advice. Now, if your frisky compunction leans towards a festive day-dream followed by a saucy: “sound fun”, then, by all means, close this column and go to bed. Sleep tight with the knowledge that your hubby hit the jackpot when he found you and, better still, with the assurance that you have his soul by the balls.
Now to the enigma at hand: what to get your boyfriend? What get your lover? What to get for your husband? A riddle that has plagued womankind since the dawn… And a puzzle must men can solve with taking their morning piss. I'm going toss back the curtain and let the fairer sex get a glimpse at the wizard, the hidden truth… MEN AREN’T THAT HARD TO BUY FOR!
The problem is, and here's the rub, most women tend to over analyze our saurian intellects. We are simply creatures that are easily distracted by shiny things; if it's cool, then we will live it.
Can you truly put a price on happiness? Oh, you can… Then, let's lay down a few accounting rules. You are here, knocking at our doorstep because you are no doubt on a budget. If this is not the case, if you're bank account has more zeros than binary code, then stick the keys to a new Lamborghini under his gold plated tree and be done with it.
This is a budget friendly article. We will be exploring cool, dynamic doodads that will make you the dudette, the boss, and allow you to keep the house from being collected by the house.
Did he sleep with your sister? Did he stay out a whole weekend, dragging himself in on Monday smelling of booze, STDs, and vomit? Does he have a second lease in the nearest Dog House? Do you hate him? Are you a sadistic witch?
If, once again, I'm shocking you with my interrogation, and all you can do is yell at the screen a wrathful bark of: “NO!”, then why in God’s name would you sully your image with a tie? You might as well give him a pair of socks and divorce papers.
If he needs a white shirt for work, or a new pair of work boots, if he needs a new belt, and you fulfill his NEED on Christmas morning, he will be gracious but disappointed. Christmas gift giving, is about being creative and having fun. It's about blowing him away. There's a reason why he's using the same old boots since last May. There's a reason why he’s going to work trying to hide the pit-stains under his arms. The fact is, he doesn't give a toss! If he wanted the things he needs, he would have gone shopping ages ago.
When he opens his present, what sort of reaction are you looking for? “A whoa!!!” He suddenly transforms into Golem or a “that's nice,” a meh and a gift swept into a corner?
Most people thought of him as the wimpy Avengers, the Winter Soldier came out and all men suddenly found themselves re-evaluating the Cap’. This Tin Sign is not only patriotic but snazzy. It has the vintage appeal, durability and the red-white and blue.
Nothing says, “you da’ man,” more than the cojones needed to use a knife on your face when everybody else is going plastic. A shave with a straight razor isn’t just the act of the manliest man, but one of the few pleasure in life that technology has gone and smashed up. Your man will feel like James Bond with this kit.
Do I really need to sell you on the merits of this beauty? Come on ladies, the second he gets an eyeful of this gift is the very second he goes postal. This is the sort of gift that will make him extremely happy and appreciative. Read between the lines and focus on one word: “APPRECIATIVE.”
Cause, no matter who your man is, he secretly wants to own the world. Tony Montana may be a bad example, but he strikes a chord where it counts. God only knows why.
Ladies, here’s another insight into our nature… We like to show off! We like to have our friends look at what we have and know those A-Holes are dying with envy. There’s a reason why we bagged you; grade- A-arm candy.
Everyone has shot glasses, but only a true guy has a dozen that seems plucked straight out of a pirate movie.
Dump the white shirt and buy your papa-bear one of these sets. Two things will instantly happen. One, he will suddenly know, almost by magic or osmosis, what “french cuffs” are. Two, he’ll dash out as fast as humanly possible to the nearest outlet mall. Add the tie clip combo and see how he switches from Jerseys to Power Suits.
Move over “The Last Supper,” and give room to a true piece of art.
Every so often men get the need to commune with nature. To wander out of their caves and bask in the glory of Mother Earth. That desire usually comes with another ingrained craving… To cook everything in sight and chomp it down with a beer. Bambi? Served with some A1. Babe? Caramelized over the propane. This is the sort of gift that your hubby will appreciate.
A man needs a welcome mat. A piece of fabric that announces the heaven that his friends are about to enter. This little beauty says it all.
“I am finished doing what I swore an oath to God 28 years ago to never do again. I've created, 'something that kills people.' And in that purpose, I was a success. I've done this because, philosophically, I am sympathetic to your aim. I can tell you with no ego, this is my finest sword. If on your journey, you should encounter God, God will be cut.
Nuff said….
“That's a toy!”
Nope, that's a window into man’s heart. Haven't you seen the LEGO movie? What was the real conflict? A meddling kid how goes gonzo on his dad’s LEGO collection. It wasn’t a fictitious narrative. The freaking movie was a documentary on the blight every man has to face; a plague we have to arm ourselves against the second junior pops out of our darling’s womb.
Men just want to let it out every-so-often even in polite society we want to barbecue all those “fudges”, “darn it”, “effing” and simply let fly a glorious F-Bomb.
The sort of gift for your hombre that will keep on giving; in an undercut way to their boss.
When men are young, and this is a secret, the first time we feel anything rumbling and waking up between our legs we are instantly spooked.
“What the hell!?”
That first jolt, in 6 out of 10 cases, can be traced and squarely placed on DC Comics’ doorstep; to be more exact on the bloke who created Catwoman. How could one man be responsible for so many soiled bedsheets and naughty wet dreams?
This little figurine, with interchangeable goggles and leather whip, has a direct line to visions of Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfiffer, Halle Berry, and that chick from the Dark Knight Returns.
Nostalgia, plus Nerd enthusiasm, plus cute packaging and a dash of big eyes and you suddenly have a marketing free-for-all. The lads at Funko discovered this formula ages ago. Since then, they’ve built an empire out of collectibles.
For about 10 bucks, you can give your man a neat looking figurine that will transport him back to his childhood. From cult favorites, “who is that?!”, to mainstream, household names, Funko has them all.
Avengers to Justice League; Game Of Thrones To Doctor Who. They have Pennywise from "IT", Slimer from Ghostbusters, Ferris Bueller, Katniss Everdeen and even “The Dude” Jeffrey Lebowski.
This is what happens when a blender get bitten by a radioactive spider; it gets super powers and starts making the regular folks look wimpy in comparison. Margaritaville, the song that keeps on giving - in particular to Jimmy Buffet’s estate - has ventured into all sorts of alcohol heavy territories. With this blender your man will astound his friends even while nursing 3 or 4 rum-runners under his belt; this is a fool-proof blender.
Well, we here at Man Cave Mastery aim to please. With any one of these gifts, your man will be jumping on one leg with unbridled joy and dancing the Macarena with his new toy.
