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Best Man Cave Tables Lamps
By Jack Hansen | Lighting
And God went and said, “let there be light.” Then he flicked on the switch at the base of the celestial light bulb - vowing to get a clapper for next time - low and behold, there was light.
And the cavemen rejoiced, for now, after so many years in the dark, they could finally do what every male is genetically hardwired to do…look at tablet porn.
"Pete, stop wrestling with that tiger. Get a lamp! Look what I found!" A collection of stone drawings somehow glued to one another.
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Let’s be completely honest, at the very least, 60% of our time in our hallowed Man Cave will be spent browsing Internet’s number one export and import. It’s no secret, there’s no real enigma behind it, the very second a man sees an attractive woman he ponders, “How can I see her naked?”
Grab any man’s iPad (if it's not your own handle it with a CDC hazmat suit) and thrust it under some UV light. Bang, the thing turns into a radioactive Van Gogh painting. All purples and whites. The C.S.I., shining their gadgets on your iPhone… The thing flares up brighter than the sun.
A Man Cave is every hombre's dirty little smut palace. There’s no denying it. Sure, there will be beers, camaraderie, movie nights and the obligatory billiard game, but the minute everyone heads home things change.
We start running around the place, hands pulling down shades, looking through them with shifty eyes. Bolts being locked. Parental codes being disabled. A quick shout out: “Honey, don’t bother me for a while. I have to file some reports.”
And, in this dark little dungeon we’ve cooked up, we will need a light.
But not just any light….you want to have a table lamp that’s incredibly bad ass.
Our mama’s constantly told us: “If you do that too much, you’ll go blind!”
Now, set in our ways, knowing what we know, we’ve come to realize the clarity of her words. Yes, we will go blind but only if it's done without the proper medical know-how.
Pro-tip, the white glare of a screen, in the dark, is our retina’s silent killer. So, for your sake, for your optometrist sake, for the sake of everyone who loves us, invest in some proper lighting.
We don’t only need light to watch porn, but to have it as a functional room in the house. How are you supposed to play pool without light? How can you make sure you don’t spill beer all over your bad ass mancave nightstand? The answer is light, and you’re going to need it.
But make sure your light looks cool. Sure, you could grab some P.O.S. from IKEA or Walmart, but why not splurge and put a little personality in your table lamp?
There are many types of lamps. There’s the one with a Robin Williams (Aladdin), and another with a 7’ 1” hall of fame basketball player (Shaq in Kazaam).
But, for our lighting purposes, we will shrug those lamps to the corner and fixate on Edison’s baby. As such, we encourage every male to stop rubbing their lava lamp, you will not turn into Ryan Reynolds that way.
“Please let me bone Blake Lively, please let me bone Blake Lively…”
The 4 types of lamps are, and their names are rather self-explanatory: Table Lamp, Floor Lamp, Wall Lamp and finally the Hillbilly Lamp (which is basically a light bulb attached to an electrical cord).
For this article, we will be focusing on table lamps.
Why?
Because we said so! Don’t be a wise-ass.
In the market for a table lamp? Well, you have come to the right place. Before we delve into what sort of table lamp to buy, it's imperative to spell out some crucial elements to consider.
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There is an old saying, one that has been told since the dawn of time. Cavemen paintings in France depict it, the Pharaohs preached it, and Jesus Christ toasted to it in the Last Supper. It goes like this:
“Always Be Yourself! Unless you can be Batman, then always be Batman.”
This lovely beauty, from one of the greatest companies that heavily invests in giving Nerds their wares - NECA - is a two piece set that simply screams Nostalgia. On one hand, or leg, it’s the Adam West Cape Crusader’s model, on the other, it is a throwback to that timeless holiday film “The Christmas Story.”
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Oh Mama, this hot tamale simply screams: “Just take my money and shut up!”
This is the lamp for every Boondock Saints fan. It’s the ultimate conversation piece. Should come with a warning label that reads: “Will cause an uncontrollable urge to lift weights, a need for beer, and a hunger for bacon.”
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“Pete, don’t you think that’s a bit too much?”
“Naw, why?”
The Reaper’s lawnmower instrument or an M16? If this is the sort problem we find ourselves in whenever we start to figure out what lamp goes great with our Playboy Collection, then today is our lucky day.
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We need an excuse for our significant other, a reason why we need a Man Cave. We simply can’t go say: “Honey bear, I'm just in need of a whole room for myself. Why? Cause I need a place to store all my toys, videos and girlie magazines.”
Our best bet to convince her of the imperative nature of a Man Cave is by underhandedly letting her know, that unless she gives in, we’ll have the guys over every Goddamn weekend yelling at the T.V. and fill up the living room with “manly” things.
This sort of lamp, with a hardback shade, seals the deal and quenches our thirst for sports.
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Remember when we said there was a lamp for every fetish imaginable and most thought we were blowing smoke, well, this is us flipping everyone the middle finger.
Allow us to inform all the Animal Planet aficionados that they are living in the Golden Age of table lamps. From howling wolfs, to crocs popping out of eggs. Cute little turtles and giant amber squids. Pick your color!
What makes a man a man, besides the two cojones swinging between their legs? Guns, Violent movies, Cool Animals, Sports and Batman. And guess what? We covered each and every one of those in this post about something as boring as table lamps.
The winning lamp?
Simple.
Age-old wisdom can never steer you wrong. It worked for Alexander the Great. It worked for Winston Churchill. Hell, it worked for General Patton.
“Always Be Yourself! Unless you can be Batman then always be Batman.”
We think the clear winner here is the Batman lamp. Unless you think he sucks, then choose the Superman lamp.
